[personal profile] tara
My resolution to journal more and keep up with DW has not been going so well, thanks to house hunting taking up all of my energy and brain space. However, I have been told (more later) that I should really be going back to regularly journaling as a way of sorting out my thoughts and decisions so I will try harder to do so from now on.

Firstly, house stuff: Oh god I am so over it already. I can't handle real estate agents and not knowing where I am going to end up and it is all just so stressful and terrible and ugh. There is a place we really want, though, and we're waiting on a section 32 to make sure it isn't "full of bees" as E puts it, and then we will send things off to our lawyer and make an offer and hopefully they accept it and all this can be OVER. That said, we're still waiting on mortgage pre-approval so that is also a thing. I do not like house hunting. I do not like it at all.

Secondly, this isn't something that I have told many people about (um, three, other than E and Mum, I think) but I had an autism assessment a few weeks ago. Basically, this year I have put a focus on Getting My Shit Sorted as much as possible, hence the ADHD assessment a while back and now the autism assessment. The latter was v.expensive, which is why it took so long, but I ended up using all my savings on it (and some credit card cough) because I just wanted to know finally, one way or another. Anyway, it turns out that I am a total Aspie (not that they use that term officially any more) and I am so autistic that she wasn't sure whether I was level 1 or 2 and she's pretty sure I'd be 2 if it weren't for Mum and E basically helping me to be more 'normal' ;p One of the things I was worried about with getting assessed was that it would end up being a borderline call, so I'm rather glad that it ended up being a very clear cut case.

So basically a lot of the things that I have always struggled with and done wrong are because I am autistic, not because I am evil. That will take a long time to come to terms with, but I'm hoping this diagnosis will eventually help me to hate myself a little less.

The psychologist agrees that I have co-morbid ADHD, but thinks that the bipolar is actually just autism. That makes sense to me, and the important thing is that the bipolar meds help me, not what they are prescribed to help.

The journalling thing is something she recommended to help me become a little more mentally independent from Mum. The best thing, though, is that she said that my special interests are therapy, and that I should make sure I spend time engaging in them. I currently feel so guilty when I do the things I really love, even though I know that my mental health is 1000 times better when I allow myself to indulge in my comfort stuff, so it's nice to be told that I have to watch Britcom or play Dragon Age or whatever.

I'm probably going to have a few further sessions to help me with emotion regulation, but I can't deal with that while house hunting is going on, so I'll arrange it later.

So yes, that's my big news.

Date: 2017-06-14 03:08 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] comedychick
I <3 that you have justification to indulge in your interests. I know that when I get to do that, it's helped me a lot also. Of course, that doesn't always stop the guilty feelings that come with it.

I'm not too surprised your diagnosis was clear cut, because mine was, and I think you're more affected by autism than I am. Your comment about the probable bipolar false diagnosis makes me wonder about my ex, who is diagnosed bipolar & ADHD. He and I got along well in part because we had so much in common (in mental health areas, as well as interests) but he's really been struggling socially, and, yeah... I don't know if it'd be worth me talking to him about that. He knows I'm autistic now though.

Will likely discuss more over email, but I hope the house situation gets sorted out soon so you can focus your attention on the other things you want to deal with!

Date: 2017-06-21 04:25 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] comedychick

Oh, I hear that. It's a complete reframing, which means you need to build those neural connections to make your perception work with it. But hopefully once you're able to build and adjust that, it'll get a lot easier. Then you might get periods where you slide backwards and forget, and need someone else to remind you. I had that happen to me last year, when I went back to see my therapist again for the first time in about two years. Thank goodness I only needed the one session reminder. :D

I might talk to him about it sometime, then. I'm just worried how he'll react because of where he's at with accepting bipolar. He might freak out at the possibility that it could be something else instead.

Date: 2017-06-15 01:50 pm (UTC)
notalwaysweak: Rainbow rose with words 'love as thou wilt' below in white lettering (Default)
From: [personal profile] notalwaysweak
the important thing is that the bipolar meds help me, not what they are prescribed to help.

Yessss. If they are doing you good then that's the main thing.

I hope everything else helps you move forward, and that nothing is full of bees.

Date: 2017-06-21 07:28 am (UTC)
notalwaysweak: Rainbow rose with words 'love as thou wilt' below in white lettering (Default)
From: [personal profile] notalwaysweak
I'm trying to get off my Seroquel at the moment, but it's a slow process and of course it might not end up working out. Meds juggling is so fun.

Date: 2017-06-17 12:07 pm (UTC)
turps: (Default)
From: [personal profile] turps
Your psychologist sounds like a good one, and I'm very glad you've been told to do things you enjoy without guilt. Also, after thinking over this new diagnosis more you can learn to love yourself more.

As always, good luck with the house stuff.

June 2017

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